2025-06-12: 'I don't want to be this kind of animal anymore'
It's Thursday. On Saturday and Sunday combined I have 8 exams. Didn't even start learning and it's not like I'm going to pass without it. In addition, I have to return a ton of overdue homework. At work, I barely do anything. I find myself procrastinating, on social media, watching videos, playing games – screen-involved activites, in general. That's been my problem for years. I've already failed one attempt at getting degree in Physics because of that – I don't want to repeat this.
I'm frustrated. I'm struggling with depression and anxiety for very long time, and while 'anxiety' part is sort of fixed, 'depression' never really got resolved, and I think answer to the question 'why?' is very simple - over the years, computers have rotten my brain. I want to live my life, to fully engage, to do the things I wanted to do – not just simply stay afloat. 'I don't want to be this kind of animal anymore'.
It took me some time to came to myself, and say: 'Gal, it looks like addiciton, it should be treated accordingly'. But I finally did it. In fact, I did the same about 6 years ago, but sadly I failed that time (and repressed that), and in fact it wasn't as bad back then. So, I decided that I should do something about this. To get rid of this addiction.
You may call this 'dopamine detox', but I don't think that's appropriate name. On one hand, I'm definitely going to experience withdrawal and I'm focused on going through first week, then second, then a month. The point is however that 'detox' is only one part of the story, I must start changing my habits. Alcoholic can't just catch a break for 2 weeks and return back to their previous life. Given that I have to work with computers, it definitely would be hard and tempting to do something different, something that I'm not supposed to do – that adds to a risk of relapse.
My plan is to a) put obstacles for compulsive behaviour and b) build alternative habits.
As for the first point, I've blocked social media that I've been using both on my phone and PC, uninstalled games and Steam client. I've also put my phone in monochrome mode and removed shortcut for web browser. I've ordered physical alarm clock in order to keep my phone away from me for as long as possible in the morning. Also, not going to eat to videos on Youtube any longer - instead I will do it like a civilised person, in the kitchen, by the table.
For 'alternative habits' I want to start with getting to bed and waking up earlier. Ideally I'd sleep from 10pm to 6:30am, with occassional exceptions when I'd get to bed not later than midnight. But when I want to catch a break - instead of getting my phone out I would take a walk, read a book, go to the balcony or just stare out of the window. In addition, I've noticed that a lot of times when I reach for my phone it is, supposedly, to communicate with my friends. While it is not physically possible to meet them often, I'm going to to schedule video calls, like, once a week - to minimise time with low quality communication that's also breaking my attention span. Also, I think that getting to do something creative may help me - that'll be writing this journal.
In order to build these kind of alternative habits and not spiral into compulsive behaviour back, I need to feel well. Well-slept, not self-loathing, feeling positively about myself. I have to monitor (and control) state of my mind. When I'm feeling bad about myself and tired it is way harder to focus on what's necessary to do, and easier to procrastinate.
I know that last two paragraphs don't sound great. But I don't have any better ideas.
Reading this, I think I may sound naive (maybe too young and to simple too). It's been years living like that, and my recipe boils down to 'I'm gonna do better lol'. I am doing it during exam session. I will, probably, fail. But also I do know that I want to live, not only vegetate. That there's something out there worth trying to live.
Next step, since I am also fat, will be to gain control of my weight by diet (by counting calories) and excercise. I've tried doing it in the past, and this way proved pretty effective. Doing this right now it would be too much for me.
I'll try to post something at least once a week – probably won't be as long as this entry. Next time – after I pass those exams.